Missing Ryan...

It has been 5 months since Ryan has died. I do this more for me than anything else, but here are some of the things I have been missing the most about him:

I miss waking up to him speaking way too loud into his phone saying, “Hola” or, “Hey, so and so, what do you need?”

I miss him taking Sage to get her fix of chocolate milk at the gas station when we were out in the morning. She always came home with a couple packs of Donettes and a big grin on her face. I was fine telling her tough luck when she threw a fit that the chocolate milk was gone but Ryan would always give in.

I miss the sound of him typing away in the office, trying to catch up on all the book work that never seemed to get done. I loved the days when he was working at home, not that he was really interacting with us. I guess I just liked the feel of having him home.

I miss the little chipmunk noise he would make in the back of his throat when he was bored or concentrating. It used to drive me crazy. It’s funny how those annoying things they do somehow become endearing. Sage has taken to making that noise. She’s the only one who can duplicate it. A few more years and she will have it perfected.

I especially miss pawning the baby off on him when I was busy running the girls around. Or, having him watch the kids so I could go grocery shopping or other errands. I could get so much more done with his help. What a luxury to have two parents doing the work. I always felt like I did most of the child raising but I didn’t realize how much his effort did for me and my sanity.

I miss watching him as a Dad. I swear he was the better parent. He was the one to play, to go down the slides at Kangaroo Zoo or put the girls on the Wakeboard with him. I just think about all that the girls will miss out on without him and it nearly crushes me.

I miss talking to him on the phone. Neither of us were big phone talkers but I just loved when he would call me. I would always get a little excited when I saw his name on my caller I.D. That was such a big adjustment when he died. I kept feeling like I needed to call him and tell him when something happened or check in with him. It is weird not being accountable to anyone.

I miss meeting up with him for lunch while the kids were at school or going on special dates or going on trips without the kids, even though I always stressed about leaving them.

Ryan was such a good husband. He was always trying to push me to step out of my shell and try new things. He always encouraged me to go out with my girlfriends and pursue my interests.

I miss playing games with him. He thought he was better than me at board games. I guess he usually did win. I liked beating him though he always wanted to play again so he could win.

I miss him eating nachos (we call them cheesy chips). Everyday he made a plate of cheesy chips. He would pour a big bowel of Salsa and put a scoop of sour cream in it. I can picture him so clear eating his cheesy chips and sharing with the girls. Our kitchen had to be stocked with cheesy chips ingredients if not he would complain about the lack of food in our house or he would take off to Costco and return with a 10 lb bag of cheese and a dozen bags of tortilla chips.

I miss watching him in the hospital when each of the girls was born. He was so proud. It was like he was beaming.

I miss hugging him. Ryan was never real affectionate in public but almost every time we passed by each other at home he would hug me.

I miss the songs and jokes he would make up. The people that know Ryan best know what his jokes were usually about.

I miss his silly laugh and when he laughed really hard it sounded like a witches cackle.

I miss the way he looked when we were going out. He cleaned up good.

I miss that no matter how many times he showered there was always traces of tar somewhere on him and he always had a few cuts on his hands or arms, risks of the trade.

I miss him talking on the phone and trying to plot doing something with his friends. He would always try to be sly and would be looking at me out the corners of his eyes and when I started to protest he always started smiling.

I even miss him playing Halo. I actually got to where I liked watching him. I would tell him when the bad guys were coming. I’m sure his ranking moved up with my help.

I miss when he would come home from work. He would clap his hands really loud and yell something and the girls would run to him.

I miss him taking out the trash. That was his contribution to the house cleaning.

I miss snuggling on the luv sac watching one of our shows i.e. Prison Break, Lost, American Idol.

I miss him putting Asha and Sage to bed at night. He did it almost every night since Zaya was born. I loved walking past the girl’s bedroom and seeing him sitting on the bed with the girls curled up on each side of him reading stories. What a good, Dad.

These are just a few of the things I miss about Ryan. I think I could go on and on. I often look at this Blog, but it has occurred to me that there are not going to be any new pictures or new memories to share. That is why all the old memories are so important to me. We have a book that many people have contributed stories and their feelings about Ryan to. I love to read this book. Often at night the girls ask me to tell them true stories about Ryan. I often read them ones from this book. If you have any new stories about Ryan that pop into your head, that you would want to share. I would love that. You can email them to me at gotroof@msn.com. Thanks for everything.